Firstly may I wish my readers a very Happy New Year. May 2014 fulfil your every want and needs to keep you and your loved ones safe, well and loved. Whether 2013 was a good one for you or a bad one for you, may 2014 be even better.
Secondly, I would like to extend my personal thanks to all my friends (both online and in the real world) your love and support over the last year has touched my heart and been overwhelming, I can not thank you enough.
I apologise for my blogging silence in the latter part of the year. With the help and support of survive we have got the police to reopen the investigation into my childhood, we have also managed to persuade other victims to come forward. I can’t or won’t at this stage say any more, but will update you as soon as I can. Needless to say it’s been somewhat chaotic over the last few months.
Things built up to a head, that in October I did something. My actions were not done in an emotional state nor a dissociative state. As a result I survived another attempt upon my life, and ended up in A&E with the choice I could go voluntarily to Bootham or not, but I was being kept in. So I did my time, had it’s ups, had it’s downs, I got out (not quite as quickly as last time), worked with the home treatment team, engaged with (and by) the social worker from the CMHT. In other words I did what needed to be done, and continue to do so.
Because of the investigation I was unable to spend Christmas with my family, so booked myself into a hotel in Knaresborough with the intention of Eat, Drink and be Miserable. I got so frustrated with the same question, “why aren’t you with your family?” and then “why?” when i said I couldn’t be for personal reasons. Some people are so fucking nosey, it just furthers why I prefer (although do loathe it at times) my own company. Anyway I more or less survived the break, had some good food, plenty of drink but still full of one idea. The irony is that as I was about to sort things out my calf and knee exploded in excruciating pain and unable to bear my considerable weight. Once again I found myself in a fight between my mind and my body.
Yesterday I finally met the psychiatrist, bearing in mind he wouldn’t have anything to do with me previously, it took 2 months after discharge from last admission to see him. I assume it’s the public mauling I gave him and the psychotherapy services in the city at a public meeting, maybe that was the motivation to meet me, who knows? Anyway it was a typical medication review, and got nowhere very quickly. What I don’t understand is why when the services keep telling me that I have great insight into my condition, my problems and myself, yet when I say what I need I get the excuses as the door shuts. There’s a reason I know me so well, I spent 8 years in the psychiatric services back home working hard to understand what was going on and be able to connect words with thoughts and feelings. I am now that expert in me but up here it feels pointless. One thing that resonated with me was the fact he listened to me and acknowledged that my weight gain has come from comfort eating, not medication. I did then feel so hopeless when he pointed out, something I knew that it would be a long time before I would be ready to be able to care for myself. That thought dear reader breaks my heart. I hate feeling vulnerable and unable to do things for myself, I hate it even more when it’s pointed out my failings, therefore reinforcing what I believe about myself. The real kicker which revealed himself was when I told him in all probability it will be a matter of when not if I successfully take my life, and he agreed.
I don’t know what exactly he meant, I made it clear that when it happens it won’t be a cry for help that went too far. Deep down I’ve only ever wanted two things from life. Firstly to make sure that bastard can never commit his crimes on another child, secondly to have the peace I crave, a peace I can never achieve in life. I wish I could make people understand that, I know it’s unfair to expect or wish people to so I won’t ever ask it of anyone, even if I wish just one person did. So for now I just about keep myself going out of respect to the other victims who have been brave, but I won’t be making predictions for the rest of the year.