The Love We Deserve (poss trigger)

So I’ve started reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky having fallen in love with the film adaptation a few weeks back. I’m not going to turn this into a book/film review, I will say both may be of a triggery nature (the film less so than the book) to some people, so exercise caution. I got to the part where the main protagonist is told that

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

It’s got me thinking, in fact actually perplexed, if this is true then I really don’t know why I am blessed with the greatest friends that anyone could ask for but don’t believe I deserve them. I don’t wish to denigrate my friendships because I value each and everyone of them, moving to York and essentially being exiled from home has made me realise how important they are to me.  I would give everything I had if it enriched their life, my last penny, my last slice of bread, my last breath, anything for them. I’m always touched by the kindness they bestow upon me, whether a kind thought, word or deed. But I really don’t deserve such wonderful people with the most beautiful hearts.

I know everyone thinks I’m a good guy and full of love and compassion, it’s what I bestow upon good people so they don’t have to see the bad in me, the person who has emotionally hurt people in the past, the person who lets others down, the person who is really selfish, the person who is possessed by thoughts of committing the most unforgivable sin (no matter how justifiable). I often say I treat people as I’d wished to be treated myself, really it’s more of a case of treating people as I believe they deserve to be treated. And that’s just it I don’t believe they should be subject to evil deep down inside of me I believe you should be treated to something better than I am.

I feel awful for thinking like this, I feel almost like a Jekyll & Hyde-like character who is hiding the true me from you because I only let you see half of what I am. I genuinely believe that you deserve better and I deserve  so much worse. It is for this reason I am so hard on myself, because if others aren’t going to be then it may as well be me giving myself a hard time.

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One Response to The Love We Deserve (poss trigger)

  1. Al, You’re not evil hun….you’re ill. I too suffer thoughts that I am ashamed and frightened of and often wonder if there is a badness in me (an evil) but You would be the first to reassure me that it is my illness causing both the shameful thoughts and my irrational (often paranoid) reaction to them….so please let me reassure you now that you are NOT bad or evil…You are unwell (very unwell at the moment)! You’re my friend and I don’t believe for a moment you lie when you take care of me in our chats, there is a goodness in you that I see without ever having seen you. Take care my friend. Kimmie X

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