DearMentalhealthProfessionals of York,
If you won’t listen to me directly, maybe you will hear me via people who will, my blog readers.
Firstly when I ask for support it’s not me attention seeking, it’s because I’m struggling to cope with intense thoughts, feelings and emotions. If I say I feel suicidal it’s not me acting out, it’s because I’m in so much pain and despair and turmoil that I can not see a possible future that can be different.
I am deeply saddened that you see borderline personality disorder as not an illness. I’m sure if you walked a mile in my shoes or that of anyone in this fair city with a personality disorder that you might look at our situations differently. It saddens me beyond reason that you are quick to absolve yourself of any duty of care and think the solution to my situation is gaining structure. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it is unable to cope with PTSD symptoms when you won’t even recognise it in me. You make a diagnosis based on what? You’ve never met me you’ve based it on limited clinical notes, which i can only assume failed to mention dissociation, flashbacks and night terrors, nor must they say about hyperarousal and hypervigillence. Let me tell you a little bit about that so there’s no doubt.
I’m on such heightened awareness I jump at every noise that permeates through the wall from next door. Every time someone walks past my house or puts something through the letterbox I become jittery. I didn’t know what hyperarousal was until I had it explained by my support worker from Survive, apparently nor do you. I spoke to the cpn you gave me for 3 months that I was having night terrors of my abuse and that my body was reacting in a shameful way. I was confused as to what it meant, but you managed to twist it and make me feel even worse. As for the flashbacks, there isn’t an hour that passes that I don’t see or think about the things he did to me and the thoughts leave me feeling vulnerable. It’s for these reasons i don’t go out unless it’s urgent or necessary. But that’s ok you don’t see that to be ptsd, you just want to blame it upon bpd.
I’m supposed to cope with all this plus symptoms of my borderline personality with what? Nothing more than what limited support a rape and sexual abuse survivors charity are able to provide in a climate where they are stretched to the limits. You also expect me to use a mental health support line that never answers the phone, when PALS enquired on my behalf the support line’s excuse was my details must have changed. But they are no different to when you referred me so unless you made a mistake in what numbers you gave I have no idea why my numbers should appear differently.
I shouldn’t feel ashamed to ask for help but somehow I feel like not only is it futile but also that I’m not allowed to feel this way or that I’m manipulative, I’m not I just need help.
I wish you would tell me what I need to do to cope or where I can get some support because there are times when I need some intensive support. You may not see me as ill but it sure as hell feels like I’m far from well,