OK so I said I was going to take a break from my blog and social media. Well I guess I’m a dirty liar, but I really need your help and advice. If you can I’d appreciate a comment or a tweet/direct message or Facebook message with your opinions.
I have come to the conclusion in order to move forward and heal myself properly I need certain conditions to be met. Firstly I need to be assured that he is no longer abusing children, I could take the guaranteed method I had planned but right now the logistics to go and physically slay my demon are stacked against me. Last week Mandy from Survive worked with me to look at coping strategies to deal with my disassociative self destruction. Also we talked about maybe the Police could reopen the investigation again. Today whilst I met with Annie, my long suffering, wonderful support worker, I decided with a bit of support we’d approach the police and see what can be done. If only to ensure he is monitored by The Police/Social Services to make sure he can never hurt another child again. This does not mean if things go awry I may not have to resort to default and take things in hand. But I will give things a fair chance.
The second thing is I really need to let go of the feelings I have towards my parents. Now I should explain I do love them, for the main part I have been blessed to call them Mum & Dad. They have given me a home, many things I needed, cared and most importantly, when my biological mother didn’t want me, this man and woman wanted me to complete their family. That is a gift most children don’t get. However he thing I’ve always had an issue with has been their response to the abuse.
When I told mum “I was being hurt” that was as best as I could do for a 3-4 year old, with limited vocabulary and comprehension. But as I have always believed, which was reinforced by a letter from mum 17 years ago, they believed me to be making things up. Recently Mum let slip that she apparently spoke to the family doctor who told her what I would have to go through. Now we are talking about an era where safeguarding wasn’t what it is today. I have had it explained that this approach was meant for the best of the child who being so young should be resilient enough to move on. I guess they were wrong and I bet others in the same boat must feel the same. So the other weekend in a heated discussion with them I let them know in no uncertain terms how disappointed I feel they didn’t do enough to help me when I needed them most. And that they assumed it was a one off occasion was just an insult, I tried to get them to think how frightened I must have been when he help me up to that window. This then kicked them off to have a go at me for running them on a guilt trip. I even got blamed for not explaining properly what happened. I was so angry, how he fuck do they expect a 3/4 year old explain that this asshole was putting his cock in my mouth until he ejaculated. I’m sorry for the graphic image but there’s no way a child can comprehend what happened let alone be able to explain in real detail. Surely if a child says “he’s hurting me” That should be enough to raise concern.
I love them both, don’t get me wrong but I hate the assumption that their failing is my fault somehow. I resent they didn’t do enough I resent and hate their stories change with each telling. So dear reader I ask for your help. In order for me to move on I need to find a resolution to finding a way to forgive mum and dad. Am I right to feel the way I do? Am I being too hard on them? What would you do? What should I do? I could really use your advice. If you can please either leave a comment or facebook or twitter me. Thank you in advance your opinions are much appreciated as I have tried to imagine myself in their situation.