The End (suicide triggery)

Dear one and all,   If you are reading this, then I will have  made an attempt to take my life,

Firstly to all I have let down i am sorry, It’s becomea no win situation, do I let you down by my actions, or doI let myself down by failing at what has become more than just a morbid obsession. I’m not sure i could live with myself for not atleast trying to silence my demons.   I’m sure by now you will know that I’ve struggling with manythings, mainly finding it hard to cope with feelings about the memories of my childhood. For manyyears it was easier cause I could get angry, that anger would fuel me to do something. When I finally made my statement to the police i thought I had silenced those demons, but I was wrong, they resurfaced with the allegations of Jimmy Savile. Only this time I wasn’t angry, I was just sadder than I’ve ever felt before. I also cannot shake the feelings of guilt and shame. I hate this beyond words I get to feel shit about myself because of someone else’sactions. Somehow that doesn’t feel fair. Anyway by the time you read this, the whole world will know who David Baulch is and hopefully he can feel some of the anguish I hav had to endure for over 3 decades.

Secondly i have been struggling with my health issues and the battle with dwp for my benefits. People Like Dave Cameron, George Osbourne, Iain Duncan-Smith and Paul Dacre get the right to vilify me and create divisions amongst society whislt The Department For Work & Pensions alongside Atos get to question me and my abilities. Thanks to them not believing me adding stress to my frustations and saddness relating to my abdominal problems I get to hate myself all over again. It leaves me wondering how I could survive recovering from a breakdown without any money. The coalition have turned this country into a vile cesspit that thinks it’s acceptable to pick on the vulnerable,  but that’s ok it’s in the national interest. Maybe Dave, you should have a look closer to home at the tax dodgers and scrounging mp’s. I understand mp’s could claim in one day’s expenses to attend the Thatcher debate more than I’d be entitled to in a year on ESA at appeal rate. Maybe you can explain to the country how that is in the national interest!

Thirdly, the loathing and hatred I hold for myself has finally resurfaced to crisis point. I’m not sure I  believe or feel I can pick myself up from this. I know if anyone else came to me with these feelings I’d be doing everything within my power to help them, yet I don’t feel that compassion or empathy for myself. I am a hypocrit for that. In the past when I acted out, it was at a highly emotional state of mind and unable to cope with my emotions. Today i stand staring at the abyss and unable to feel the need to be rescued. I am almost clinical and forensic in my thought, even when my thoughts are loud and intrusive.

Finally, it’s become a battale trying to get the help I need, I realise that I don’t want to die, but i feel i HAVE to die. For the last week I’ve had the offer of hospital dangled infront of me, and i’ve been asking hospital would help, but the bloody home treatment team insist that home treatment is the only option. They don’t seem to understand how septic my home is, giving me freedomgives me acces to do things destructive. Iknow deep down a spell in hospital would have given me some stability and base to rebuil and get strong. I see home treatment as a lazy and cheap way out of helping people. On the phone  this afternoon i confessed i was stopped from killing myself yesterday because 12 inches were out of my reach, but i know how to overcome that, so I guess it’s time

Nadine, I am sorryI let you get caught up in this shit, I wish I’d listened to my feelings before we first started chatting. You are a wonderful woman who has so much to offer the world, and i wish you much happiness and beg for your forgiveness.

Julie, Becky, Eme & Lou thank you so much for the time you have given me and for making the twittersphere so much more rewarding. I wish you all much happiness and beg your forgiveness in time.

To all my friends at the pub and quiz, Thank you for making Wednesday nights and weekends are fun-filled time. Have a pint for me, remember me when you’re trying to find an answer to a question. I’ll try and send it to you from whereever I’m headed.

Thank you to all my friends in the Bishy Rd area, thank you for all the wonderful provisions and services you have offered since I moved to this part of town most of all thank you for accepting me as a part of your community, you have given me a sense of belonging I’m not sure I have ever had before.

Dr Jardine & Jill (I nearly did it again and spelled your name with a G, I’m sorry) thank you for your help and encouragement, but like I said to you both, I’m not convinced I deserve it and I’m sorry if I have wasted your time and effort which could have benefited someone else, Itake my guilt for that with me.

Blue, Karen Kit, Eric, Mike & Paul, Thank you for the fun times we’ve shared gaming and talking together. You have always been there for me or anyone at times of need, I am sorry if I have let any one of you down, but if it’s of any comfort  at all I have trusted you a much as any friend I have in real life. Fight for the Glory of Rome in my honour and know I’ll be looking down (or up) and guiding your troops to victory.

Dr Shorten, Thank you for everything you have done for me over the last 4 years, you kindness and dedication to your job reminds me so very much of Dr Jones. I was his first baby and he treated me through many ailments and diagnosis including the first time I opened up about feeling depressed and suicidal. So trust me when I say you remind me ofhim I consider that to be the biggest accolade I could bestow any doctor. Thank you for everything and I wish you all the very best in your career, you are an asset to the NHS.

John M, thank you for letting me be a part of your quiz team, I wil alwayshold in my heart the times we quizzed under the influence, or playing cricket in Rowntree’s Park.

Jim, what you don’t know was I was plannig to lose you when we saw Sapce, but between the great gig and your kindness I decided not to lose you and bring harm to myself, thank you  when you hear Tom Jones or Avenging Angels, you can know you made a difference.

Amy, Thank you for everything you have everdone for me, your friendship and loyalty are your greatest assests, as is your non-judgemental attitude. I always remember the kindness you gave me when i was in YDH after my hernia repair even if I don’t remember to well that well discussed incident where my crown jewels were on display toalland sundry. I’m not sure I ever properly thanked you for that, but i have always remembered and never forgotten.I wish you all the best for you future for I know none that are as passionate abou their subject as you.

Hughsey, Jon you have always been like a brother to me, At times we’ve had our differences but they could never outdo the good times we’veshared, whether propping each other up at JJ’s, having a BBQ or watching the Levellers. You definitely helped e through uni at times that might have otherwise beaten me, thank you. Like Amythank you for the support you gave mewhilst i was in YDH recovering from my operation, it meant a lot then and still does now.

Frankie, there are no words that can truly convey my gratitude for your friendship. You have always withoutfail been there when I’ve needed a friend, thebeer hasalwaysbeen better for your company. Thank you Frankie I love you.    I am sorry if I’ve forgotten anyone, it’s not that you don’t mean anything,because everyone I’ve ever met has always meant something, it’s because as you can imgine I have a lot going on in my head at the moment and i know the next goodbyes are going to be my hardest.

Stuart, what can I say? Thanks doesn’tseemenough. You have l ways been more than just a tutor or mentor, you have been a friend andat times even a father figure.I will always owemy degree to your faith in me, your inspiration and your motivation and understanding. I am sorry it took so long for me to confide like I did 6 years ago.There are not enough thanks in this world to express my gratitude.

Lucy, you will never know what these words mean, although you are by far the brightest cat I have ever met. I am sorry I have abandonned you, I should be the one tolook after you and make life good for you, but instead it has been you making sure I’m alright. I have failed youas an owner and will take that guilt with me.I have one thing to ask of you. Look after mum for me, for she will need the comfort you are able to give.

Mum & Dad, I am sorry I have let you down.I know how upsetand even dissapointed you must be, I have been unable to beat my mind and memories. Iwill never know whether I was predispososed to mental illness, or whether my problems were caused by things that happened during my life. Neither of which i will ever blame you for, so please do not try to blame yourselves. I could not ask for better parents, not only did you choose me  but you have always been there when I’ve needed help, thank you. I hope in time you will understand that this was amost inevitable and I will at last have silenced my thoughtsand memories.

So friends, my family thank you most sincerely for the love and goodtimes we have shared.But it is time that I move onto my resting place, to be free of pain, whether physical or emotional. I ask this of you. Do not feel sad for me celebrate what good Imay have bought to your life. When it comes to time for my funeral, please do not make it a sad affair, celebrate, wear some colour and remember me for what i once was and not what I have become.   It is with much love and a great sadness I bid you farewell. I am praying to a God I don’t really believe in  that you are looked after in a life I cannot share and I offer you all my sibncerest apologies.         Al

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The End (suicide triggery)

  1. Al, PLEASE, let’s talk…I will b on FB looking for you every day from this day forward. I would like to offer my assistance in any manner I can. I apologize for disappearing, but, as you, I also have been fighting demons that r threatening my Life as well…but it is really not worth it…there’s always a way out. I have been battling pain for 14 years now as a result of medical malpractice and will continue to be forced to fight it for the rest of my life, but I will not give up…Life is too precious and there are wonders all around you…you just have to look past the pain and the ongoing problems to look for the beauty and wonder of Life in its’ entire perspective. Please, Al, I pray you are still with us and will faithfully go online each and every day from now on just to try to talk to you, my good friend. Please let me try to help you as I know what you are going thru…I am in the same position for the last 14 years now, but, I DO manage to see the little sparks of wonder that are out there every day and that keeps me going despite the troubles I myself am going thru on a daily basis as well. Please do not leave…talk to me my friend! Let me try to help you. I would feel awful if I couldn’t speak with you and try to offer my hand in help. I am even willing to get you here to the States and keep you under my roof and assist you in anyway I can as you mean so much to me. Tears are welling in my eyes at the thought that I may be too late or have not been there when you were there for me so many times when we played GOR together. I will listen and NEVER JUDGE, that is not my place. But trying to be of assistance for you is! I will try to reach out to you tomorrow at various times of the day ad try to talk with you. You have been a good friend when I needed someone and I desire to repay the favour in any way I can. Please speak with me as soon as possible…it is important for both of us. I want to try to help you in any way I can as you have helped me. I Love you as a long lost Brother and strongly desire to be of assistance. Let me IN! Talking is very easy and I will gladly hear you out without criticism, blame, negativity..or judgement. I would like to be here for you. Let’s talk, please, my friend. Had I known your situation was so bad sooner then I would have been there sooner for you, but, like you, I have been fighting my own demons, but I refuse to let them get me and I sincerely hope that this will be the case for you! Talk to me please, my old friend! Bill Proszowski

  2. I feel I should let you all know. Whilst walking to my final place, a very good friend found me and had police and abulance with her. I am currently in my local psychiatric hospital receiving treatment

Comments are closed.