I’ve been back from the psychiatric assessment with the SHO, which has left me with my head truly fucked. The good news is I am a lucid thinker able to rationalise an argument. The bad news is I’m emotionally fucked.
It’s been 8 years since I last saw a psychiatrist and maybe I forgot the way it works or maybe, it’s changed over the years. So we went through where I’ve been, where I am and where my future lies.
We spent some time talking about past parasuicides. And I assured her an overdose is not on the cards, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve chomped down pills and flushed them down with vodka (for those of you who know I don’t drink vodka, you now know the real reason). I was honest in telling her I feel suicidal and have been formulating a plan when the time presents itself. Now I can hear you screaming at your screen “your friends love you and care for you, why would you want to kill yourself? ” well, dear friend, I know I’m loved by many (if not all of you) but there is one person who doesn’t love me. Without his love and approval I am nothing. The person I am talking about, if you haven’t already worked out, is me. Now you all know I’m ferociously loyal for my friends, Lucy and my family (excluding my sister) and id give my last breath for you, if it meant your were protected. Yet I don’t feel I’m worthy of the same for myself. I simply can’t see a future for me, or a place in the world for me. Whether I’m by myself or in a group, or a crowd I cannot describe how alone I feel. Just typing that makes me cry. When you add that to memories of my past you can soon realise life is hard to cope with. I would say life is wasted on me. What really surprised me was although I didn’t tell the psychiatrist my plan, other than I knew how, I knew where but not when, she didn’t batt an eyelid.
So, where am i left now? Well next Wednesday I’ll meet with her and a nurse to discuss where we take things. The options are:
- Adjust my medication
- Have some respite in hospital to get me through the crisis
- Consider re-engage with therapy
I thought for sure talking about suicidal thoughts and feelings was going to earn me at least a 28 day section. Apparently I was lucid enough to convey I’m able to reason an argument. She expressed her sadness that I feel the way I do and hopes I’ll consider every option, but essentially won’t stop me exercising my right to exercise my choice. I have to admit I respected that. Although it has just this minute that I might be walking straight into a section next week, oh well time will tell.
Anyway dear reader, I will not promise I won’t decide that suicide isn’t the right option. I will promise that I’ll give every option serious consideration, and break it all down to a well reasoned conclusion.
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